Failed Assassin Can’t Even Assassinate Himself

Fort Pierce, FL—Ryan Wesley Routh, convicted of attempting to assassinate Donald Trump in 2024 while he was then a candidate, has attempted to assassinate a second target—himself. The preeminent coward tried to take the easy way out in the courtroom, but fortunately the only pen he had access to is as limp and useless as him—purposefully designed to be harmless since they’re used by defendants in court.

“Dollar store Billy Bob Thornton thought we’d give him a pen that he could use as a weapon!” laughed a court marshal who intervened. “Dummy.”

Routh was a professional protestor, likely paid for with Soros money so that he could afford to show up to events all over the world. Routh never actually considered himself a protestor. He considered himself more of a cheerleader, often dying his hair and painting his face like a high school girl at a pep rally.

The verdict comes as two other assassins also appeared in court. Both of the younger men were successful in their evil attempts and they offered encouragement to their older compatriot.

"You'll get him next time, little buddy," they said. But it doesn't appear that there will be a next time for Routh who is more than double the age of the other two.

At the time of publishing, authorities were debating over whether or not to charge him with a second attempted murder. There is no word yet on which prison gang has made him their bitch.

Armed Esquire

A law-savvy Florida Gators fan with a knack for witty takes on politics and pop culture, proudly champions left-handed pride and dreams of a smart-TV-free world. Roasts deadbeats, praises Bowie's vocal range, and jokes about DUl defenses.

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