Nancy Pelosi will not Seek Reelection
San Francisco, CA—In a shocking move, Representative and former Speaker Nancy Pelosi will be retiring at just 85, which is rather young by US political standards. Most Congressmen typically begin to think about retirement around 100. Pelosi only had mild symptoms of dementia—certainly not a disqualifier in this modern age of elder politics. She put up great numbers for the Democrats with 18 documented cases of on-air confusion or complete verbal lock up. Barring any additional incidents, in 2027 she'll close out her career with 4 falls and 3 head injuries which puts her third on the Congressional All-Time List of Errors coming in just behind Strom Thurmond and Robert Byrd.
Former President Joe Biden, who leads both the Congressional and Presidential Error lists, commented, "Come on man, she's not seeking re-erection? She's a young peach tomatoeperosnwhondunnit[sic?] man. Too soon."
She had competed with Senator Mitch McConnell to cement the record for the amount of reboots they could perform on live TV. While McConnell won in duration with 30 seconds, Pelosi completely rebooted once even going back to saying 'Good Morning' twice. She beat Cocaine Mitch 2-to-1 in full restarts.
We reached out to her financial advisor, and while he answered our call, we were unable to get a quote because he was crying and unable to get words out.
"Knockers Nancy was a good opponent. Her people liked her, me, I didn't care for her," noted President Trump. "If I'm being honest, I'd say she's pretty evil. But even evil people can have some nice assets, but not Rosie. So ugly. She kind of looks like Patton Oswalt. It's amazing. Really amazing."
Pelosi served the citizens of California and the United States admirably. Her gigantic knockers were formidable, and will be missed.
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